suicidal thoughts?

it's been quite a time now since i ever had suicidal thoughts. i never knew it will ever come to a day where i really, really just feel hopeless. it's as if, the light has really gone now and i'm left alone in this big, horrifying world.

i often wonder, why has it been like this. i was once a cheery girl. i used to laugh and talk a lot. i used to make other people laugh. they would always had fun when i'm around. so how the hell, what the hell happened to the extend i feel like i'm a total worthless human?

the thoughts keep on pestering me. it's been days, months and soon it'll turn a year. every step i take is another stab right at my heart. it's painful and everyone else is just too blind or maybe even ignorant enough to just not see what is actually happening.

i won't just go ahead and call myself a depressed person. i don't want to disappoint my parents, my family, my loved ones. i really don't. but this is another level of hurting. i can't breath properly anymore. i feel like i ran out of breath to quickly. i feel like there were never enough air for me to breathe.

slowly, agonizingly slowly, i feel myself drowning. i see myself drowning, deep into the vast black ocean. and i'm not even struggling to be alive. i'm just letting myself be drown in the words of despair.

daddy once told me, i would be a great writer, that i should write because i always am a bit ahead of everyone else. he told me it would be nice if i would share my knowledge and opinion to people. i wonder if he'd be proud of me when he reads this. i wonder if he'll know that it's his beloved daughter writing about herself being suicidal.

i feel guilty and it's eating me up, gobbling me like it has been million of years of no food and water. i feel helpless, lost and sick. i frequently feel nauseous without any reasons. am i finally gonna die? or is it just me being all delusional.

i need to stop having these murdering thoughts. i really need to stop. if only people would give a tiny bit of attention to me, they would've noticed. if only i wasn't alone and there were people who'd listen to me. if only..... :'[