suicidal thoughts?

it's been quite a time now since i ever had suicidal thoughts. i never knew it will ever come to a day where i really, really just feel hopeless. it's as if, the light has really gone now and i'm left alone in this big, horrifying world.

i often wonder, why has it been like this. i was once a cheery girl. i used to laugh and talk a lot. i used to make other people laugh. they would always had fun when i'm around. so how the hell, what the hell happened to the extend i feel like i'm a total worthless human?

the thoughts keep on pestering me. it's been days, months and soon it'll turn a year. every step i take is another stab right at my heart. it's painful and everyone else is just too blind or maybe even ignorant enough to just not see what is actually happening.

i won't just go ahead and call myself a depressed person. i don't want to disappoint my parents, my family, my loved ones. i really don't. but this is another level of hurting. i can't breath properly anymore. i feel like i ran out of breath to quickly. i feel like there were never enough air for me to breathe.

slowly, agonizingly slowly, i feel myself drowning. i see myself drowning, deep into the vast black ocean. and i'm not even struggling to be alive. i'm just letting myself be drown in the words of despair.

daddy once told me, i would be a great writer, that i should write because i always am a bit ahead of everyone else. he told me it would be nice if i would share my knowledge and opinion to people. i wonder if he'd be proud of me when he reads this. i wonder if he'll know that it's his beloved daughter writing about herself being suicidal.

i feel guilty and it's eating me up, gobbling me like it has been million of years of no food and water. i feel helpless, lost and sick. i frequently feel nauseous without any reasons. am i finally gonna die? or is it just me being all delusional.

i need to stop having these murdering thoughts. i really need to stop. if only people would give a tiny bit of attention to me, they would've noticed. if only i wasn't alone and there were people who'd listen to me. if only..... :'[

         What If...

                                          I

         Even a rose has it thorns. Beautiful yet still dangerous. No one is perfect instead everyone have flaws. Park was the only one that understands Anne and he is the only one Anne has. The only one who stays on her side, protecting her with whatever he has. Park is everything to her. Without park who could she be in this world now? She is really thankful to have Park but …

       ‘Babe! Where are you? Are we playing hide and seek? You know we’re too old to play this thing right?’ Park shouts out for Anne, searching for her. Deep down in his heart he never felt this kind of love feeling to anyone else. He is not shock to know that he is in love with Anne because Anne is his best friend and he knows how Anne really needs him. Though, there’s this one thing that stops him, does Anne love him as he loved Anne? The question that runs around his head every time he sees Anne.

       ‘Babe, Baby… come out please...’ he calls out again. Anne is still nowhere to be seen. He sighs in frustration. Where could Anne be at this time? She always waits for me. What exactly happening? He wonders. He goes straight to Anne room to check if she’s there. He opens the door slowly not to disturb her if she’d be in there. That’s the only place he hasn’t check yet. It’s kind of a forbidden place for him. He enters without making any sound and he’s right, Anne was inside her room all the time. Not to forget, Park lives in the same house as Anne. It just that Park has his own room down the stairs. Anne is soundly sleeping on her bed.

       He walks quietly into the room approaching Anne. He eyes Anne sleeping peacefully. He wonders if Anne ever know about his love for her. He was staring deeply when Anne open her eyelids slowly to the world. She was kind of shocked to see Park in her room but there’s a slight of happiness for her to see Park's face.

      ‘What exactly you’re doing in my room?’ she asked Park while stretching her body up and streamlining her brunette long curly hair. Tying them up into a messy bun. ‘What do you mean ‘what am I doing here’?’ he says sarcastically with some shame. Anne grinned as she listened Park’s answer. She knows Park is actually so ashamed by himself.